First it was super high-end toilets for those seeking a luxury BM. Then it was toilets with a view — for the voyeur/exhibishionist — found most frequently in the city’s most expensive apartments. And, who could forget the solid gold toilet at the Guggenheim — worth more than gold because “art.”
Somebody needs to call a psychoanalyst because it seems the one-percenter crowd has its mind in the toilet. But the shit — or should we say piss? — really hit the fan last week with allegations that president-elect Donald Trump paid Russian sex workers to urinate on a bed in a hotel suite that the Obamas once slept in.
It was a surprising — or maybe not so surprising — revelation about the sexual peccadillos of a man who seems to only have eyes for his pornographically-shaped slavic bride, his daughter (shudder), and off course any pussy he can get his hands on.
Naturally, the pee jokes started to trickle and then streamed fast and furious. The tweets read a little something like, “The man who puts the ‘pee’ in President likes to watch golden showers,” and “You can’t spell ‘Trump’ without the pee!”
But all that pee-pee talk got us thinking: since Trump seems to eschew urinals in favor of naughty-boy-bed-wetting, what
1. The Inyx Bed
Designed to convert into a screening room with the touch of a button, its ability to not only offer privacy but also stream a movie of one’s choice is ideal for setting the stage for naughty action. Other pluses: comes with its own cup holders for in-bed drinking to keep the pee party going all night long and built-in aroma dispenser to keep things smelling fresh. Starts at $4,999.
2. Aquarium bed
What better way to get in the mood than stare at the motion in the ocean? Touted as bringing new meaning to the term “waterbed”, this sexy sleep thang contains 650 gallons of water. Ideal for one to easily blame the wet mattress on a leak in the headboard. $11,50
Perfect for any water-themed play and sure to bring any novice out of their shell. Bonus, one might be lucky enough to find a pearl (necklace) in it as well. Available at Circu for $16,000.
4. Bun Van
Almost the same size as a real VW van, Circu’s replica features a comfy mattress and does not just act as a bed but also as a “fantasy room” containing several storage compartments (to store an ample supply of tp, wet wipes and hand sanitizer), a TV, sofa and even mini-bar. One caveat: if the van is a rockin’ don’t come a knockin’. Available at Circu for $43,000.
5. Janjapp Ruijssenarrs’ Magnetic Floating Bed
Janjapp Ruijssenarrs’ Magnetic Floating Bed seems like it would be extremely slippery when wet and worse, could short circuit leaving “sleepers’ stranded mid-air. We suggest before engaging in any adult water sports play, one fashion a water slide to it for a wet and wild getaway. Price: $146,953.
Point number one: Trump clearly sees himself as American royalty. So it seems fitting he’d enjoy this Royal State Bed by Savoirs. An intrepid journalist (fake news!) from Dujour recently tried it out (for sleeping) and said even with just a cap nap she felt changed.
“The mattress was plush and soft—but not puffed up or flossy feeling—yet completely supportive. The silk sheets (which are included in the purchase price, as are the pillows, headboard, canopy and bed frame itself) were cool, substantial and, yes, silky.”
The headboard bears a hand-stitched crest or motif (Trump insignia!); sheets and covers made with 1,630 miles worth of custom-dyed and woven silk thread; toppers filled with a blend of Mongolian cashmere and hair from the tails of blond (of course) Argentinian horses. With only 60 being made, why flush $175,000 and a whopping three weeks of work to manufacture it literally down the toilet? We suggest buying a bunch of IKEA beds and using them as disposables instead.
If The Donald were a bed, he’d be this one. What better place to indulge in a golden shower than on a golden waterbed? The bed frame is made almost entirely of gold and Swarovski crystals. It comes detailed with a PlayStation, surround sound system, DVD player, foldaway plasma television and Internet Connection. The clincher? The mattress a durable and comfortable, clearly waterproof, waterbed. Price: $676,000.
Valued at $6.3 million, this bed is truly one of a kind. UK luxury design Stuart Hughes was commissioned to make this bed created almost entirely of gold. In fact, a total of 107 kilograms of solid 24-K gold were used in decorating its borders. But seeing that borders are a problem for Trump, we suggest prior to trying this out for his next piss party, one build a wall around it to ensure privacy.
While this king-sized behemoth seems like a regular sleeping vehicle, it hides a dirty little secret of its own inside. It has ample storage areas within it to hide almost anything — proof confirming the Russians rigged an election, tax returns — should someone unexpected come a’knockin’. While the manufacturer boasts, “BedBunkers have a two-hour fire wall to protect your valuables in extreme conditions,” there is no specific mention of it protecting valuables from water damage. Price: $11,000
If you want to grab them by it, maybe it makes sense to have a bed that is shaped like a cat? What better way to take a cat nap after using it as a litter box? Completely mobile and machine washable. Perfect for portable pee parties. $375
11. Obama’s face
This isn’t exactly a bed, but it’s more in line with what we are led to believe Trump is most into — defiling anything to do with President Barak Obama. For just $127 you can snag this duvet cover featuring Obama’s face. Just think of the space for activities!