For What It’s Worth: Love for Sale

On a recent episode of Showtime’s “Billions,” a moneyed exec named Wags commandeers the finance firm’s IT guy for personal use. He implores him to hack into Raya a “Tinder for rich people” to get him a coveted invite. It got me to thinking about the extent that the rich will go to for love, romance, and most importantly, sex.

“You pay for it one way or the other, kid” a misogynistic friend of mine frequently tells me. It’s the punch line to any number of his saucy stories about friends paying out huge divorce settlements, procuring tickets to “Hamilton” for paramours 20 years their junior or spending thousands at an underground strip club. In the end, he says, “you always end up paying them to leave.”

I always counter his pessimism with the perhaps naive sentiment (and Beatles platitude) that “money can’t buy you love.” But, is he onto something?

Luckily, one percenters are putting that question to the test for me, spending enormous sums finding and celebrating romance, love and — even more so — the rich and creamy middle, lust.

As for “finding” love, the super rich are tapping high-priced matchmakers. Nothing new, perhaps, but the ante keeps being raised. At Kelleher International, a San Fran-based service, prices starts at $25,000 for a local search and can go up to $250,000 for a global search. Co-founder, Amber Kelleher-Andrews explains there’s no shortage of takers — they “have a waitlist that’s kind of crazy.”

For those who don’t have an IT guy to wingman for them, Tinder has created a “secret” elite app that caters to CEOs, supermodels, and generally rich, high-profile and attractive folk. It’s rumored to use a specialized algorithm to calculate your desirability score (Black Mirror anyone?). We’re fairly certain, net worth has a lot to do with it.

Meanwhile, women in particular are doing some really whack stuff to keep themselves looking tight and right. The rich and famous who want to supersize their sexual appeal are investing below the belt. Actress Emma Watson came out publicly last week shilling a $39 pubic hair oil called Fur Oil. “I’ll use that anywhere from the ends of my hair to my eyebrows to my pubic hair.”

If that isn’t weird enough, women are rushing to spas that will do any number of odd things to their nether regions. Not only will VSpot Medispa steam your junk, but they will also plump it – injecting fillers and one’s own blood plasma into the labia to rejuvenate and stimulate.

For those not faint of heart – or vagina – the spa’s FemiLift laser boosts collagen and elastin production increasing lubrication and stimulation – they claim. A package of three treatments costs $2,950.

Others. who want to put their money where their vag is, simply invest in Goop’s much-touted $15,000 golden vibrator. And we thought men who pop Viagra like Tic Tacs were bad. Et tu, ladies?

Still not a little queasy?

Vice recently reported on the very lucrative market for women’s used panties. Successful sellers on sites like SellYourPanties.com are earning $2,300 to $3,300 a month. Rich men don’t mind ponying up the Benjamins. One guy, who describes himself as a ‘human toilet,’ said he collected tons of pairs “as dirty as possible” and enjoys burying his face in them. He’s not alone. They fly off the e-shelves.

As my intrepid colleague explained in regards to his recent visit to NYC club, The Box (where transexuals shit on stage and the cheapest table costs $1,200):

“The bourgeoisie of this century is not so easy to nauseate. The distinction between high and low culture has melted away, and the rich and aspiring cement their status directly through the consumption of pornographic, outrageous or lowbrow kitsch objets d’art.”

But once you’ve found love, how do you make it go away again? Some at least are prepared to pour mounds of cash into that problem. More and more the “haves” take to hiring a “fixer,” or security consultant, to make romance-related problems vanish.

Cheating on your wife and the seductress threatens blackmail? Paul Viollis of Viollis Group International, one such firm, can make it all “go away” for thousands. Advanced due diligence costs $2,500 and Viollis estimates that roughly 80 percent of revenue is “event-driven.” You pay for it one way or the other, indeed.