For what it’s worth: In defense of bad jeans

It seems like the fashion world has gone bonkers. Classics of every type are being worked – or overworked in many people’s opinions – to the point of hilarity. The Emperor may have new clothes (and accessories), but boy, are they strange and bank-breaking.

The tried and true closet workhorse, the button down shirt, has been redesigned in every way imaginable with grim results. The sturdy $1 IKEA Frakta bag has had a literal plastic surgery, morphing into a $2,145 luxury item only an affluent Smurf would have on a wish list. Now, it seems, designers are hitting below the belt with bonkers jeans. Et tu, dungarees?

Sure, I’ve lived through iterations of denim styles – flares, high-waisted, low-waisted and even Daisy Duke varieties. A few strategic rips never hurt anyone, nor did some bleach spots or even a rogue pinstripe. I begged my mother for Gloria Vanderbilts, Sassons, and some Jordache just like every other pre-teen girl back in the day. I was so thrilled when a boyfriend bought me my first pair of Sevens, I nearly peed my pants.

But lately jean styles have become so bizarre that I’ve begun to question if I wanted to live in a world where they exist.

It’s clear, the type of denim one chooses to wear can make or break you. Choosing wisely is essential in establishing the message you want to convey to the world.

And I’m not the only one who seems to have noticed. Comedian Iliza Shlesinger did a bit in her new show, “Truth and Iliza” about how one should beware of jeans with any type of “flair” on them, saying that one can never trust someone wearing embroidered jeans. “I’m looking at you, New Mexico,” she quipped.

But let’s look on the bright side. Many of these at-times questionable denim styles do have their benefits. Just in time for spring shopping, I’ll run down the ones most likely to make it into my closet.

These $100 clear plastic jeans from Topshop seem to have baffled some, but not me. Topshop clearly has a window into my soul.

There are often days when I need to run errands in the rain but still wants to look stylish and stay dry. Clear raincoats have been the norm for years, so it is about times jeans have caught up.  And what better way to show off my fancy undergarments, while sweating away all those unwanted pounds. Think of the selfies! Win win! Pro tip: wear them to the beach to slim down real quick, just be sure to pack plenty of electrolyte replenishing beverages in your Balenciaga “Arena” bag. And no pricey dry cleaning bills – a bottle of Windex and you are good to go. With the savings, it’s like they are practically free.

For those not ready to embrace these “full Monty” jeans, you may want to try the brand’s Clear Knee Mom Jeans. As we women age, sometimes we become self-conscious of our changing bodies, but these offer just enough skin to entice – and in an unexpected place. I’m not alone; sadly, they are sold out.

I’ve always thought the jumpsuit was the most misogynistic of all fashion trends because they are so hard to get out of in order to use the restroom. I recently made the mistake of wearing one on an airplane and had my very own version of a Zumba class in the miniscule restroom trying to get it off and on.

But now, there is a pair of jeans that solves that problem. Enter: The “Bare Butt” jean by Vetements in collaboration with Levi’s. They contain a long back zipper so one can disrobe in a flash. No need to even wriggle them down your hips! They come in both pant and short versions. While $1,261 for butt-exposing trousers may seem asinine to some, for me being able to pop a squat in one second flat is priceless!

With all this flash and flare, it’s easy to worry that some would perceive me as trying too hard. So on some days I prefer to give off the IDGAF-look. On those days I opt for the “Barracuda Straight Leg Jean” from Nordstrom. Featuring splashes of “caked-on muddy coating,” these $425 non-beauties would let the world know I’ve been busy not only working but also “werking”.

Finally, if all these bizarro styles have your head turned around, perhaps Unravel Projects’ $699 “inside out” jeans are best suited for you. These straight-leg beauties are worth the price because of their bold message alone. Less garment and more way of life, “To create something new, you must first destroy,” is the title of the memoir I will never write.