The Post’s Steve Cuozzo dolls out kudos for NYC’s top four quietest restaurants

The Post’s lovable curmudgeon Steve Cuozzo is at it again. In his latest column, he rants about his desire for restaurants to lower the volume while he is eating (and get the damn kids off his lawn, as well…). In his opinion, a restaurant should be quiet enough he can hear his dinner roll drop.

“Restaurant waiters aren’t yet trying to sell us earplugs along with $15 bottles of water. But if they ever do, I’d take them at any price,” quips the hangry foodie. He details that his decibel meter recently clocked readings of up to 90 — equivalent to a motorcycle roaring by — at ABCV, Loring Place, Gloria, Maison Pickle, Pig Bleecker and Empellón. A note to patrons, these eateries may not allow BYOB but they do apparently allow BYODM — bring your own decibel meter.

But Cuozzo is always eager to give (quiet) praise when it’s due. In this case, he wants to applaud four restaurants that have learned to keep it the eff down.

Fusco. Chef/owner Scott Conant has lowered the volume at his first new freestanding eatery in NYC in 10 years. He even added white tablecloths to his Gramercy haven — another thing that floats Cuozzo’s boat. “Background music’s so muted I hardly knew it was there (nor can I remember what was playing),” the Andy Rooney clone explains.

King. “This West Village bistro could get noisy, but, thankfully, it only attracts a mellow crowd — mostly couples and small parties of close friends — not mood-shattering, same-sex six-somes and eight-somes.” We suspect Cuozzo is never invited to same-sex six-somes anyway. Perhaps sour grapes are his only dessert choice.

Nobu. Unlike its brand forefathers, this new Fulton Street bi-level eatery has made Cuozzo’s cut. Even when the 160-seat dining establishment is packed, his decibel meter remained unfazed.

Bevy. The West 57th Street eatery is for real New Yorkers, not tourists, according to Cuozzo. While we don’t typically think of real New Yorkers as being soft-spoken, he touts it as being “eardrum friendly.”

Earplugs aside, might we suggest a fifth option to Cuozzo? Sneak a sandwich into a library instead. We’ll keep mum about it. [NYP]