You know the best table in your high school cafeteria where all the cool kids would hang out while you were stuck eating next to the bathroom? Well now imagine that table has become a restaurant in London, where all of the international glitterati (who basically are popular kids with better clothes) munch on beef and foie gras gyoza. Sexy Fish is that restaurant.
Yes, it does have quite possibly the worst name of any eating establishment ever, and all the stuffy British journalists have tied themselves up in knots trying to outwit each other in describing how terrible the place is. For instance, Tanya Gold in The Spectator writes:
“I have never seen a restaurant whose ethos is so clearly and comprehensively, so preeningly and unapologetically: ‘Fuck you, I’m rich and I want a golden cave and servants. I want a pony and all the hookers I can strangle. I want a pyramid of cocaine and an Audi -Quattro.’ It is like being punched in the face by Abu Dhabi.”
She’s not wrong. The restaurant’s interiors cost an estimated £15 million (almost $23 million) to complete and are expectedly (im)modest. There’s a lava stone bar which supposedly has Europe’s largest collection of Japanese whiskey; an infinity waterfall (whatever that means); mermaid statues designed by Damien Hirst; and a 13-foot black (sexy?) crocodile made out of mosaics. There’s also a “coral reef room” which is surrounded by — you guessed it — a coral reef with “sexy” fish swimming around.
According to the Times, if you are the most VIP of the VIPS — so basically, Anna Wintour — you receive a silver key with a Sexy Fish hotline number engraved on it. Maybe if you call it you get invited to eat in the room that is actually tasteful.