Relationships, religion and real estate duke it out in “Million Dollar Listing: Ryan’s Wedding”: Review

It hasn’t been such a great year for coupledom. Just ask Beyonce and Jay Z, Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney, or Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston. And hot on the heels of the earth-shattering Brangelina split, Americans definitely need something to restore their faith in love. BRAVO’s latest show, “Million Dollar Listing: Ryan’s Wedding,” a spin-off of the much beloved and hate-watched realty show, “MDNLY New York,” may not be that show.

The premiere episode debuted last night and chronicles the countdown to Ryan Serhant and fiancé Emilia Bechrakis’ wedding (post-over-the-top Times Square proposal), interspersed with Ryan continuing to sell pricey real estate.

It starts off with Ryan quipping, that his is the “last naked body you will see naked,” immediately followed up by showing off his latest real estate porn project. A new development in Greenpoint is sucking up all of his time, putting a cramp in his wedding planning style, and as his driver puts it, “Greenpoint is close to Manhattan…if you know how to swim.” Zings aside, Ryan acknowledges that the area is up-and-coming and not as expensive as nearby Williamsburg because of its lack of adequate transportation. That doesn’t stop him from selling his little heart out, but to his own relationship’s detriment. How else can he pay for his $4 million love shack and the promised, cliched Big Fat Greek Wedding?

Meanwhile back at the Serhant homestead, Emilia laments to the camera that she has abandoned her burgeoning law career after turning down her dream job in Geneva to now work in the less-than-glam title insurance biz. It’s a way to be closer to Ryan. You know what they say, the couple that works together….bickers together.

And bicker they do!

Ryan Serhant

First, Emilia’s father, Leonides, visits their home, which he finds “too modern” — uttered as the King of the Jungle sits upon a purple zebra-print sofa. Ryan and Emilia are then lead into an uber awkward discussion of religion, or rather, Ryan’s lack thereof.

Not only does Leonides want Emilia to move back to Greece, he was hoping his future son-in-law would be three things: “handsome, educated and Greek.” And while Ryan tries to shrug it off cheekily saying “two out of three ain’t bad,” Leonides says yeah, but “it’s not perfect.” Also not perfect is Ryan’s ambiguity over religion. Leonides subsequently religion-shames Ryan who explains he may not be religious but he “believes in something,” which we know means he worships at the alter of the deal. “Expansion. Always in all ways,” is his daily prayer. Can we get an amen?

All this haranguing leads Ryan to speculate that he has never met any of Emilia’s exes because they are probably all dead. However, because Ryan wants his fiancé to be “happier than I am,” he sets about trying to buy a home in Greece so the duo can visit Emilia’s family more often. As always, real estate can solve any problem!

Conspicuously absent from the show, is Ryan’s partner in real estate crime, Fredrik, but we do see a cameo of Luis who has since retired from the real estate industry. He now sleeps until noon, has read a book and is even writing one of his own. Tan and well rested, he is eager to get this pre-marital party started right, suggesting the bachelor party include champagne, hookers and coke.

We suspect he is onto something because if the show continues in this manner with tedious bickering we may all need all three to get through the series.

The rest of the show is pretty much one long and continuing epic battle between the affianced. Whether its arguing about how much things cost, accusing each other of having to “walk on eggshells,” the myriad wedding details that seem to be falling through the cracks or how Ryan — turned Bridezillo — thinks the invitations Emilia has selected “look like throw-up” or other forms of excrement, the show is tedious to watch.

Thankfully we all know how the series ends — with these two crazy kids happily married among family and friends with a glorious ocean vista as a backdrop. Now let’s break some plates instead of our tv sets and move on to happier segments.