The holiday season has officially begun. Neiman Marcus, purveyor of absurd, highly-overpriced goods for absurd, highly-overpaid people, has released their annual Christmas book. And it does not disappoint.
For those not familiar with the Christmas book, it is an annual gift guide issued by the department store. About half of it is filled with standard, run-of-the-mill stupid rich people things like this Stella McCartney “Lips” iPhone 6 case for $75 or this Picard Table Tennis table for $7,599. The second half, however, includes a whole slew of completely crazy so-called “fantasy gifts.” As in, the only place gifts like this should exist is in rich people’s fantasies. Because let us tell you, they are pretty ridiculous.
This year’s fantasy gifts include:
A Walk-on Role in the Broadway show “Waitress” ($30,000). The description of this gift leaves a lot of questions. For instance, is this a one-time, walk-in role or are you paying to be a regular in the musical? Do you have any lines? Do you sing? If you do sing, does some of that money go to the people in the audience who bought tickets hoping to see professionals sing and not just some rich, talentless person?
A Week of Luxe Living at Three English Estates ($700,000). For those who wish to live out their Downton Abbey fantasies (in which you are presumably not a servant), this gift allows you and seven guests to travel via helicopters to three grand estates, where you can eat food cooked by a Michelin-starred chef and shoot clay-pigeons. The kicker though? The catalog promises that “Memories will be made all week long, with stories—and perhaps adopted British accents—to last a lifetime.”
Exclusive Grammy Awards Experience ($500,000). According to NM, this gift is for the person for whom “music isn’t just the food of love—it’s a fully scored, fully savored feast.” Whatever that means. Your $500,000 gets your special someone and one other person $1,000 each at Neiman Marcus, hair and makeup, a stay at the Peninsula in Beverly Hills, invites to the pre-Grammy Gala, tickets to the Grammy Awards, an official 59th Annual Grammy Awards poster autographed by show talent, and “a symbol of music like no other,” a gold Gibson Les Paul ’59 Reissue guitar.
Cobalt Valkyrie-X private plane in Rose Gold ($1,500,000). What better way to fly through the air with the greatest of ease than in a … rose gold plane? Of all the crazy things on this list, this may the absolute most absurd. NM notes that the very fast plane comes with rose-gold plated flight controls (necessary), “plentiful storage for golf clubs, skis, and suitcases” and — most important of all — “the luster of luxury—not only of indulgence and privacy, but of saving time, too.”
Slumber Party at the Neiman Marcus Flagship in Downtown Dallas ($120,000). This one just seems like a rip-off. 12 guests get to romp around in the flagship store and enjoy cocktails, food from Neiman Marcus, facials, makeovers, manicures, pedicures, shampoos, and blowouts from Le Métier de Beauté (and a goody bag filled with their products), a presentation from NM’s fashion director and a big breakfast. The one thing missing from this excursion? A shopping spree! What’s the fun of sleeping over in a department store if you can’t go home with some of the goods?
We should note that a portion of all of these gifts does benefit charity, which we admit is as nice thing. But maybe it would just be nicer to give the money directly to charity and forget all these lavish, over-the-top and ultimately unnecessary gifts.