Prince Harry gets dreamier, defends his new girlfriend Meghan Markle

Everyone’s teenage crush Prince Harry has confirmed his relationship with the American actress Meghan Markle, while simultaneously condemning the attention she’s been receiving from the press and on social media since rumors about their romance began surfacing last week.

In a statement released this morning, the prince said – through his communications secretary – that although he has rarely taken formal action on the publication of fictional stories that are written about him, the “past week has seen a line crossed” in the reporting of his relationship with Markle.

“Some of this has been very public,” said the statement, “the smear on the front page of a national newspaper; the racial undertones of comment pieces; and the outright sexism and racism of social media trolls and web article comments.”

But much of it has been hidden from the public, the statement explained, including legal battles to keep defamatory stories out of papers, the attempts of reporters and photographers to gain illegal entry into Markle’s home, and maybe grossest of all, the substantial bribes offered by papers to her ex-boyfriend.

“This is not a game,” the statement declared, “it is her life and his.” Excuse us while we both swoon and shake our heads with disgust.