Once again, it’s time for children everywhere to learn one of life’s most valuable lessons: Santa loves rich kids more.
This year’s gift ideas (our 4thedition) are an unapologetic, eclectic mix of the practical and the fantastical – the things a man wants but feels guilty buying for himself, as well as the things he needs but probably doesn’t even know it.
Provided that your pockets are deep enough, this is the only gift guide you’ll need.
John LeFevre is the creator of satirical and wildly popular @GSElevator on Twitter, and the author of the bestselling book, “Straight to Hell: True Tales of Deviance, Debauchery, and Billion-Dollar Deals,” currently in development with Paramount as a major motion picture.
For his house
This year, I have my eyes on a rare Bernard Buffet ($250,000), Ronald Reagan’s doodles($2,000), signed self-portraits of The Beatles($15,000), and Tupac Shakur’s passport($TBD). Someone please buy that before Pharma Bro does.
For his travels
The globetrotting gadabout needs this classic Tusting Waxed Canvas Weekend bag ($775), a universal MacBook charging station ($45) that includes 4 USB ports, a Kisha smart umbrella ($100) that tells you when it’s going to rain, and this Urban Carry G2 concealed, quick draw holster ($105). Handgun license sold separately.
For his gym bag
For the first time, I’ve decided to recycle a gift idea from last year’s list, mostly because I’ve never had so much positive feedback on any recommendation before. An investment banker / HBS alum poached Lululemon’s head of men’s design and started Birddogs($55), the most comfortable shorts I’ve ever experienced. This will be the brand of 2017 – on every court, in every gym, and at every brunch table – so you might as well be ahead of the curve. Throw in this La Mer Skincare Set ($140), some sweat-resistant, wireless JLab Epic2 Earbuds ($99), and a Survival & Cross jump rope ($10).
For his library
Barnes & Noble blamed poor earnings on the election, but it’s time that we make reading great again. Book of the year for me is “Diary of an Oxygen Thief” ($9), an anonymously self-published dark satire that became a bestseller from word-of-mouth alone. Other notable picks include Liam Vaughan and Gavin Finch’s “The Fix: How Bankers Lied, Cheated and Colluded to Rig the World’s Most Important Number” ($33), Richard Betts’ “The Essential Scratch and Sniff Guide to Becoming a Wine Expert” ($13), Bronwen Dickey’s “Pit Bull: The Battle over an American Icon” ($18), and the book that, to the chagrin of literary elite, will be a #1 bestseller, Tim Ferriss’s “Tools of Titans” ($17).
For his closet
Men hate receiving clothes as gifts; we hate the obligation of having to wear something we probably don’t like. But, there are some things that never occur to us to buy, like quality undershirts! Go with NVSBL ($27) – they’re longer (stay tucked), more comfortable, sweat and odor fighting, and totally invisible. Hygiene and aesthetics aside, they also significantly prolong the life of a dress shirt. And swim trunks! Because board shorts are simply not acceptable after college. These Thorsun Fan ($275) shorts provide an injection of American-made European elegance in the pool. Finally, a James Perse bathrobe ($395), because I’m still using the robe I stole from a hotel five years ago.
For his competitive spirit
Rich people and poor people love the same things: cheese as a meal, taxidermy, getting married at home, day drinking, eating pigeons and rabbits, having too many kids, living in a hotel, taking financial handouts from the government, and of course, drinking games. Every man needs this Jaques Of London croquet set ($5,000), a Pickett lizard skin backgammon board($2,485), and an Asprey lambskin Scrabble set ($11,950). If not, no sweat, the Hasbro sets ($14) from your local Walmart work just as well.
For his dreams
Why do people always talk about splurging on an expensive mattress and sheets, and then forget about the lowly pillow? Considering 30% of the average pillow’s weight is dead skin cells and dust mites, it’s time to for all of us upgrade with some Snuggle Soft goose down pillows ($500) or the more affordable, and highly-rated Miracle Bamboo Pillow ($53).
For his midlife crisis
I’ll put up with the “small hands” jokes to be behind the wheel of any of these classics hitting the auction block in December: A 1973 Porsche 911S Targa ($200,000), 1988 Ferrari 328 GTS ($180,000), 1971 Maserati Ghibli Coupé ($300,000), 1957 Mercedes-Benz 300SL Roadster ($1,400,000), or the more affordable modern classic, the 2011 Mercedes-Benz SLS ($140,000).
For his kitchen
Next to fly fishing and golf, cooking is the best therapy I know, provided that drinking is involved and that I don’t have to clean up after. Here are a few things most men would appreciate, but not otherwise think of: slick Cutipol Goa cutlery ($1,600) or a Sertodo hammered copper ice bucket ($255). And while there’s a waiting list for Bob Kramer’s forged meteorite knives, the Kramer 10” Damascus Chef’s knife ($450) paired with a John Boos butcher’s block cutting board ($464) is almost as nice.
For his conscience
Order some Berry Bros. & Rudd Bordeaux blend ($510). Proceeds from each case will support five children in the Room to Read literacy program for an entire year. And since it is Christmas, you might as well add an Asprey crystal wine decanter ($1,600) or the David Linley Girih spirit decanter ($810).
For his inner child
Donald Trump won. Men don’t have to hide their childish propensities and politically incorrect humor anymore. Load up his stocking with Liquid Ass ($8), an NSFW egg mold ($8), a cat-shaped magnet ($13), or a Russian roulette water balloon ($17)